Ever since the 90s, when guys like the late great Frank White popularized the term “player hater”, which got shortened to just “hater”, every human on earth has spent the last two decades complaining about having haters. Just using simple mathematics and having 7.5 BILLION people on Earth, that means there are a loooooot of haters.
Yet no one, and the Brawler means no one, ever admits to actually partaking in the art of hating. No one is a hater apparently.
Well, that’s where I come in.
I am an absolute, unbridled, unapologetic, hater of the highest degree. That’s 360 degrees, because like a circle, my hate knows no end. I sit around with ‘Hated breath’ (see what I did there) awaiting something new for me to unfairly, in most cases, hate on.
Thus, I’m starting this series, Smitty The Hater.
I will enlighten the world, one article at a time on people, places, and things, that I hate. We’re gonna start with people whom I hate.
Drake
The creator of male period music. He made it OK to listen to music while sobbing & slamming a half gallon of Edys Grand ice cream. He was the guy anointed as the resurrection of light skinned guys. Instead, he betrayed y’all. He created a new slander term “ole Drake ass dude” and no one wants to be an ole Drake ass dude. That’s just my ‘View’ from the Smit. I hate him even further because for some reason unbeknownst to me, I can’t turn that God forsaken “Controlla” off once it comes on. His music isn’t allowed in my household sans that one song. Oh and that other one too but that’s besides the point. A study done at PG Community College concluded that male Drake fans are 17% more likely to attempt suicide after a break up.
Damn him!
Carson Palmer
He fuckin sucks. He’s been afforded opportunity after opportunity. In 2011 as a member of the Cincinnati Bengals, he refused to play for the team he was contracted to. Meanwhile, Chris Johnson of the Tennessee Titans held out for a new contract after coming off of a record breaking 2000 yard season. Palmer, on the other hand, was just coming off of another Carson Palmer season, which included plenty of sucking. The mainstream media vilified Johnson (young, black, athlete with gold teets in his mouth), while Palmer was traded to the Raiders, and deemed a savior. The only thing he saved the Raiders from was making the playoffs. His did his due diligence to make certain that that wouldn’t happen. He sucks, man. I hate him.
AA-Ron Rodgers
Yup, ole ‘Rapey Face’ made the list. When it comes to athletes getting a pass – especially white ones – this guy takes the cake. He’s a terrible guy. He’s a dick. A friend of mine bumped into him at a restaurant in Milwaukee, Wisconsin and overheard Rodgers shooting spit balls at the back of the waitress’ head. He’s also known for visiting sick kids at the hospital, and laughing at them. Those two stories may or may not be true, but for the sake of justifying my undying hate for him, I deem them accurate accounts. He’s the ultimate front-runner. Trash talking and celebrating while winning, moping and twat twiddling when losing. Yet again, Cam Newton gets murdered for being the exact same guy. AA-Ron Rodgers is a twat. The one twat that I hate.
Odell Beckham
The man who ushered in the era of Vidal Sassoon in the hood. Single moms all through the urban community have suffered with decision making since his arrival.
BLOND HAIR DYED KINKY TWISTS FOR EVERYONE!
Apparently that made it cool for dudes out here to pop their coochie.
I’m appalled. I won’t touch on the SpeculGAYtion. Not my place.
I’d never want to offend anyone……
Kristen Stewart
I had to have a chick on the list to show that I am indeed an equal opportunity hater. That lucky woman is Kristen Stewart. You may know her as the sparkle face vamp-wolf chick from Twilight. She’s in a three-species love triangle for Pete’s sake!
Beyond that fact, she completely makes a mockery of acting. Yup, she’s never seen a movie script she didn’t plan on butchering.
I hate her simply because of that dumb ass look on her face. If I had a big backeded, butch dyke, or lesbian, (whichever is politically correct is the one that I mean) cousin, I’d totally get her to knock that doofy, mouth agape, look off of her face.
Editors note: If I do have one of those cousins mentioned above, please contact me. I have a job for you.
Tyler Perry
For me, as a fan of The Ninja Turtles, it doesn’t matter how bad the movies are (the first one was a shitshow on stilts).
My mantra for anything Ninja Turtles is simple,
“Shut up and take my money.”
That was up until that fateful day, I saw Tyler Perry, as character Dr. Stockman on the trailer.
Yeah that’s right. The one black guy in that whole cinematic universe and they chose Tyler effing Perry.
I’m gonna guess Bokeem Woodbine had previous commitments. For me, he single-handedly destroyed a franchise that was as much a part of my childhood as obesity. His movies blow. Not like “Brown-skinned Keisha around the way” blow. But like “Big head Dante getting blackout drunk off of Paul Masson and vomits on himself” blows.
Anyone who goes to see that Madea Halloween movie can unfriend, unfollow, and erase my contact info right this second.
Well, wait until right after you share this article. I needs them views.
Franklin Bacon
One day during the second grade at C.W. Harris Elementary School in DC., there was this one kid unfortunately fit the stereotype we sometimes see in “urban” elementary schools.
You know who he is.
The one had “stayed back” a time or two and by sheer age differential, was the biggest kid in class.
Not like “fat” big, but like “Debo from Friday” big.
He picked on me and I didn’t back down so we fought.
Well, he fought.
He knocked the fuck out of me.
We became friends out of respect thereafter, but wholetime, I never forgave him.
That’s right. I was faking our friendship.
I hated him from that day on. I think I was concussed in that altercation seeing how he punched my head into a brick wall. I bled blood that day.
I’m considering litigation. Possible CTE symptoms. He’s the culprit. I know someone reading this knows old Frank & Beans. Let him know I’m coming for him.
Fuck you, Franklin Bacon.
Mike Madison
Fellow CITLR contributor, Mike Madison, is currently in the top 5 of my friend power rankings.
“Keep your enemies close.”
That quote is the only reason why.
He betrays me at every turn. He once took picture of me partaking in debauchery which got into the wrong hands. Ruined my marriage. I mostly hate him out of self defense because I know that he hates me.
No matter where we are, he just starts singing.
He has been diagnosed with Guts and Glory Syndrome. Needs all the shine for himself.
He invites you to his shows, and he leaves without acknowledging you. He big times me every opportunity.
I was forewarned by our mutual friends who’s simply known as ‘Jou’, that this was the inevitable outcome.
I should have listened.
Now I’m stuck, with a best friend that I hate.
That’s it for today. There will be another hate filled, rage article coming your way shortly. There’s plenty of love out here.
Haters, it’s our time! Lets stand up and unite. We will Keep Hate Alive!
