“It’s the remix baaaabay!”
Greetings and salutations!
My first #TopTenTuesdays “Overrated” list was a comprehensive opus of greatness, but I felt that I could improve on perfection, so here we go. I must say before we begin that if you disagree with anything stated in the article, please forward all strongly worded emails to our great and powerful potentate, Diego Johnson.
Now, to the list…
10. Every. Single. X-Men. Movie. Ever. Made I won’t be flexible on this point. They all suck. Yeah, it may be scenes, actors, and moments that you thoroughly enjoy, but if we’re totally honest with ourselves, those movies did nothing for the most diverse, unique, and astonishing group of heroes comics have ever assembled. Bryan Singer is a harbinger of death and shouldn’t be allowed to direct any other comic book movies. Ever. Again. Put aside the dumpster fires of X-Men movies. Have you seen Superman Returns? The prosecution rests, your honor.
9. IHOP’s pannycakes
Remember how you were in love with your new bike? Rode it around, jumped off makeshift ramps and bunny hopping curbs? That bike was everything. Then your friend around the corner with well to do parents got a top of the line Mongoose with the mag rims, the stunt pegs and flashy color way…and then your bike looks like your grandmother made it. By hand. In the dark. With plastics tools. Damn, where was I? Oh yeah. IHOP pancakes are your old bike. Cracker Barrel is the Mongoose. Your world got just a little bigger that day. If you think this diatribe was just a low key Cracker Barrel hype job, you’re smarter than you look.
8. All Batman’s before Affleck
Imma make this quick. Keaton was a shrimp. Val Kilmer was a mistake. Clooney was a damn joke. Bale was respectable. But the definitive Batman on the silver screen is and will be forevermore Benjamin Geza Affleck-Boldt. Fight me. (This doesn’t include the late great Adam West and Kevin Conroy).
7. Kobe “The Bull” Bryant
Also known as “Almost Jordan” or “Closest Thing.” I like to call him by the name that’s most popular. Snitch. Kobe fans hate to talk about this part of his legacy, but it’s the most important. His snitching started the modern day black reality tv that we now either abhor or adore. But let’s get back to basketball. He may be the most overrated great player ever. It’s arguable that Prime Dwayne Wade > Kobe. I find it insulting that a guy that averaged 7 points coming off the bench in his first season and won his first 3 rings on the back of the most dominant center in basketball history can even be mentioned in the same category as YOUR basketball GOD Michael Jeffrey Jordan, but I digress. Kobe Stans are a humorous lot. God bless their lil hearts
6. Belly
C’mon y’all. This movie is the equivalent to the aggressive, dirty, ill mannered Rottweiler that you have to put in the basement before company comes over for Thanksgiving. There is nothing about this movie that you’d take home to your mother. Not one single thing. Aight, Taral Hicks all greasy was dope…but other than that, the rest of that movie is a full on stomach virus.
5. Peyton Manning
Why? Cause fuck ‘em, that’s why.
4. The Entire Careers Of – Mary J/Alicia Keys/Paula Abdul
If I have to explain this, you’re either an avid fan of these cosmic mistakes, or related by effin blood. Point blank, and the period.
3. Zelda
This is a game for only ppl that like to push their glasses up on their noses, have a thermos of hot soup, and triangular cut bologna and cheese sandwiches in their neatly folded brown paper bag. People that like this dumb game spent most of their lunchtime in high school in a stuffy locker. My opinion on this game is completely objective Nd has absolutely nothing to do with the game’s difficulty, and the 3 Nintendo controllers I broke because of it.
2. The Entire Damn No Limit Records Catalog
Master P is the father of mindless rap we now hear today. He and his god forsaken motley crew of misfit toys contributed nothing of real substantial redeeming quality at all to the tapestry of hip hop. Did you see their album covers?! It was a cross between Marlow Photo and your very smart junior high school kid that’s “really good with image design.” Listen, because this is important. If you have anyone, and the Mike means ANYONE in your life that waxes the poetic about the no limit era of rap, I can assure you that they’re fundamentally flawed, makes bad life decisions, and should not be trusted. I don’t want to hear Percy Miller or his cohorts on another microphone again unless they’re calling out Bingo numbers.
1. Scarface
Pop quiz hot shot. In a movie about a Cuban immigrant that rose to drug kingpin in Miami in the 1980’s, you wanna guess how many Cubans starred in it? One. And it wasn’t Pacino. Go head…ask any Cuban how they feel about Scarface. You know how we feel when white people ask us about “Boo! A Madea Halloween”? That’s how Cubans feel about Scarface. Yeah, when we were young, it was great to see a reckless fake Cuban sniff pounds of coke and take bullets like he was Clark Kent…but that was before Goodfellas…and up until that point, you hadn’t seen The Godfather 1 & 2. But now you’re a fully formed adult and you know better!!
