This list is, without a shadow of a doubt, the end-all be-all list for all things overrated.
Sing along if you know the words.
Let’s get it started like MC Hammer.
10. “Pray for me” social media posts: These are usually the vague requests that gives you no idea what you’re praying for…if you feel so inclined to pray in the first place. I don’t know if I’m praying for your recovery from a car accident or a hangnail. I don’t wanna waste my prayers on a Powerball ticket. Especially if you’re not breaking bread. FOH. Going forward, I need the exact detail of your ailment, situation, or calamity. I will then assess if prayer is warranted and then send you an accept or decline response. In the name of Jesus, of course.
9. The entire Iverson Mall (except the cookie spot): We all know what this mall is. It’s a jump-off mall. It’s the mall you go to when you don’t feel like driving all the way out to Tyson’s or Pentagon City. It’s the mall you “run in to get a white tee.” The day they tear that abysmal place down and put up a Super-Walmart, it will be at least 15 years late. Quick, tell me the #1 reason you go to that mall. You said cookies, didn’t you? So did I. We all need to do better and give that Mall a mercy killing. Don’t ever tell me the African American conglomerate can’t unite for the greater good. We’ve kept that damn Mall and theater open for decades longer than it should’ve been.
8. The “anything you need, just let me know” gesture. Probably the most emptiest statement in life. Anything? Really, fam? OK, how about taking about 3 months of mortgage off my books and sending me to an all inclusive resort for about two weeks…on you. No? I didn’t think so, twerp! Just drop off some moon dust wings or some crispy edge pannycakes from Cracker Barrel, and I’ll be able to handle my grief from here. Thanks.
7. Future’s entire career: You are not supposed to be able to find gainful employment by constructing songs and beats around dialogue that not only is inaudible, but is equally incoherent and mindless. It’s mathematically impossible. Future’s career happens when simultaneously the music industry is asleep at the damn wheel and the consuming public collectively doesn’t give a fuck anymore. About anything.
6. The Five Heartbeats: If I told you there was a movie directed by and starring Robert Towsend, a dash of Leon, and just a pinch of overused black tropes, you’d avoid it like a rectal exam. Or at least you should want to. We as a collective race treat this movie like an ugly ass picture drawn by our 3 year old toddler. We have no idea what it is. It’s horrendous AF, but we still smile and praise it like it’s the Sistine Chapel. Stop it. It’s movies like this that put ideas in a young Tyler Perry’s head that he can make bullshit just like this. “Hell, if Robert can do it, why can’t I?!” You give me a Delorean and the ability to change the past, I’d go right back to the moment before this movie became an idea in Robert’s dumb brain and beat him senseless. I’m doing it for my culture. You’re welcome.
5. Martin: That’s right, I said it. No substance, bad directing, infantile scripts. You name it. This show is five seasons of idiot gumbo. Make this show a variety show in the same vein as Flip Wilson or Carol Burnett and it takes a completely different feel. But place this as a quasi-reality, and it just doesn’t hold up now or then. As much as I hate Family Matters, I respect the fact that halfway through, they stopped taking themselves seriously and started lampooning their own product with multiple personalities, and time machines. You couldn’t play Dragonfly Jones and Jerome enough in those five seasons to convince me that this was nothing more than a coontastic voyage of epic proportions.
4. Peyton Manning: No one has been given more and achieved less in his entire career. Give Joe Montana an Edgerrin James and Marshall Faulk. Give Aaron Rodgers a Marvin Harrison. Give Brady Reggie Wayne in his prime. It took his last crawl through the playoffs to get above .500 for his career in the postseason. Let’s check his Super Bowl exploits, shall we? A victory over Rex “I’m Not Even Supposed To Be Here” Grossman, an absolute public execution by the Seahawks, and a gift wrapped “Take Your Shit And Go” win against the Panthers. White privilege is the only reason he was ever in the “greatest QB of all time” debate to begin with. Aren’t we all glad that’s a dead issue now?
3. Uggs: We are not in the year of our Lord 1246. Ladies, these abominations are nothing but glorified slippers. They’re barbarian footwear made for the roman Colosseum to help you do battle against the evil Ming The Merciless in a “winner take all” match for all humanity. These shoes should only be worn at 11:46 PM during a quick run to 7-11 for a 2 liter Rock Creek peach soda. Or a Carryout. Or on the set of Conan The Barbarian. I have a source deep within the White House reporting that an executive order is coming down banning these foot muffins forever more. They’re sweaty feet incubators, no more no less.
2. The Undertaker: This guy. The annual weekend wrestler. Phenom? How Sway!? Wanna know what we call a guy we see once a damn year to get undeserved praise? Dad. I mean…he literally walks on the ropes…assisted by the other wrestler mind you…just to jump off and hit him on his shoulder.A most riveting experience. Mean Mark just needs to retire. He wrestles like Tyler Perry writes. Uninspired and unimaginative.
1. Adulthood: Aight. Who made THIS shit up? Like, really? Here’s all the joys adulthood takes away from you. Excitement felt by the sound of the ice cream truck. The joy of walking into the Toys R Us. Waking up in the middle of July and having absolutely nothing to do. That’s all been replaced with bills that don’t give you the courtesy of a customary reach around, life expectancy, gluten, the spot on the rug, the day to day schlep back and forth to a “job” that you probably hate. Always trying to be mature and politically correct when all you really want to do is lock yourself in your house and binge watch Game Of Thrones, Breaking Bad, or simply give someone a swift bip in the mouth? To hell with all of this. Oh, oh!!!! Let’s not forget the new burden of looking for a safe and discreet bomb shelter that I’ll surely be using in the next few years due to General Zod being our Commander In Chief. Being a adult blows and you damn well know it.
Please feel free free to comment below and add to the list. Let’s get a top 100 poppin!!!
